Can we talk about closure? I know I’m not the only one on this earth who has hurt people, been hurt, and crashed hard. Here are three examples you might relate to: I was married for 10 years to a soul mate and that marriage dissolved. It hurt both of us like hell. I’ve been a victim of assault – more than once. I’ve built businesses only to see them nose dive. (Humbling to say the least).
Now before anyone assumes that this is a disorganized rant of a victim, please hear me when I say, I’m not at all a victim. I’ve gone to depths of despair, unraveled at my seams and lay on my living room floor in tears, unable to get up or get out of my funk.
But I’m not a victim and I’m not helpless. Why? Because of how I view closure.
You see, there are so many self help books out there, workshops and advisors that are here to help you move through the process, accept your pain and heal. I’m not knocking those pieces of the puzzle. They’re all good. But without this little yet powerful key, you’ll find yourself forever needing their help, guidance, and support. You’ll be dependent upon experts, keep feeling powerless and in turn, continue your victimization.
I don’t think you deserve that. I believe that the biggest gift you can give to your hurt is the permission to let it go. And that, to me, is closure.
During my divorce, I was less than perfect to say the least. I was a hurt and confused woman, just trying to find my footing in a whirlwind. I did things and said things that I can’t take back. And I let that haunt me for a very long time. But then I realized that I was allowed to be happy. I was allowed to move on and forgive myself. When I understood that I had the power to veto all the guilt, condemnation and regret, I chose to close the book.
Assault. So many of us have been there. And how many of us are still there? Still hurting. Still afraid. Still controlled day after day…. This one was a bigger process, because with sexual pain, there’s usually a lot more tangled there. But I realized that I wasn’t interested in giving more of my body, more of my mind and more of my life than was already robbed from me. I chose to see the fallen humanity of those very greedy and broken men and I let that be their problem. They took something from me and I refused to let them take more. So I used my power to veto the shame, the fear, the anger and loathing; saw myself as the powerhouse of magic that I am, and …. Chose to close the book.
Lastly,the business. Let’s get real. Businesses plummet. It happens. It’s a known thing. You have this brilliant idea whether it’s from lack of planning, understanding, demand in the market or lack of dedication… businesses fail. And mine did. (If you really want to know why – lack of direction and clarity). I knew an idea of what I wanted and launched long before it was ready. That’s like trying to shoot an arrow into a target – but you never whittled the stick into an arrow and you’re expecting it to land dead center. Doesn’t work folks. Doesn’t work.
So it fizzled. And it was frustrating. After all, when you launch a business, your identity is part of it. So if it fails, you feel like you failed. And, to be real, sometimes it i s you that failed. But so what? Why is that a wrong anyway? Isn’t every failure a lesson? Isn’t every closed door an opportunity to see new options?
I looked at where I failed. I wrote a list of what I would do differently next time. I congratulated myself for having the courage to take the risk and put myself out there and committed to doing it again. And then, I closed the book.
You will make mistakes. Other people will make mistakes. In life, we all fall down. But it’s only when we choose to eliminate our victim mentality from the picture and choose to activate a different perspective, that we step into the choice of permission and the peace of closure.
Navae Lukas is a virtual art director and consultant for creative entrepreneurs. She is also an artist, writer and speaker, passionate about empowering the free thinkers, movers and shakers of society by exposing them to new possibilities. She loves to travel with her husband and 3 children, and look for magic and beauty wherever she goes.