Initially, I started this piece out by asking a question: I wonder what they would think if they knew I was okay with dying today? Would they hear me or would they go on with life as usual? Can you picture yourself in a desert? You’re not even on your knees. You’re on your stomach in the hot sun with no trees, not even a bush. You see an ocean about two feet ahead of you but the more you crawl, the more that ocean appears to be a mirage. You know one thing; if you stop crawling, you will die. But what if it’s just a mirage?
But what if it’s really an ocean?…
The obvious and easy answer would be to say keep crawling. But what happens when your finger feels like it weighs ten thousand pounds? I think the question to ask yourself is not if you keep crawling but how do you keep crawling? Where do you find the strength to even open your eyes and acknowledge another day? Many, I’m sure, have heard the scripture that says “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) To have faith is to believe that something is or will manifest without any reasonable proof. But passion is the motivator that pushes us. In your desert moment, at that two foot mark, when there is nothing left to do but die, you have to find that motivator that gives you the strength to lift your head, open your eyes, and crawl one more step.
For me, I run to the very thing that has attempted to hold me captive in every single aspect of my life–epilepsy. I look to seizures not because they alone give me strength, but because God trusted me with epilepsy so I would understand the meaning of the word seize and because he knew what I was going to deal with and how I would look at a seizure as epilepsy alone when, in fact it is an incredibly powerful word and action.
To seize means to take hold of suddenly or forcibly; grasp. It means to grasp mentally; understand clearly and completely. It means to take possession of by force or at will… When I have no job. When I have no source of income. When my body is sick because of the stress. When I’m emotionally drained from the journey. When I can’t stop crying. When I can’t make the crawl to the ocean, I will lift up mine eyes toward the hills from when cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord., (Psalm 121). And I will take hold of, suddenly and forcibly, the passion that was fading away. He knew that I would know to turn it around and use it as a motivator and a learning tool to make it to my destiny. I will understand clearly completely that My God created the heavens and the earth and He will not leave me to die in the desert. I will take possession of my faith by force and I will keep crawling.
Aria is a caring and sensitive spirit. She has been gifted with a journey unlike most and is in the process of learning and growing and healing. It is her desire that you take from this article what you need to continue your journey!