Patience? How am I going to find the time and patience to develop patience? Who really got time for all that? ‘Guess I should be patient with myself, use a little forgiveness and let go. Isn’t that the big issue though? I don’t want to have the usual sappy “be positive always” type discussion on patience, but maybe that’s a big part. Be patient about being patient and needing patience!
From moment to moment, patience is a practice. Immediately upon waking this morning, as most mornings, my Western conditioning has my mind racing, making plans on what to do, when it is to be done, and zero room for error. So, a desire to multitask arises. No problem, I got this. Coffee brewing, laundry folding, cat’s fed, watered, important email, some news cast screaming on the TV…whoa, slow down. Too much. Oh, bad weather, better leave early for work! Ugh work, no! Too much to be done, not enough time, “did I meditate yet”. No time, people need to meet me; I have to go here, there. Hungry? Ugh, no time for something healthy, which would help, oh just eat fast, all is well…. ahhhhhh!!”
This of course, freaks me out and brings ol’ anxiety up, ’cause it just HAS to go the way I planned it, the way I must control my entire day. I know I’ve been conditioned to believe that, and work my days in that manner. If I were to be more of a patient person, I’d learn to let go, and take my day one moment or event at a time. (In this multitasking, make money, successful society!?!?)
Yes. Yes I do need to change my beliefs and work on the patience practice. (Maybe sing that Gun’s N’ Roses song more ;-)) More importantly, I’m learning to have patience with myself in practicing to be more patient. Why? Well, it would seem the voices inside just love to beat me up for failure. “Oh look, you screwed up again, didn’t you, and dealing with the same issues, you fail. Again. Why can’t you get it together?”
The whole committee comes together sometimes, offering all of the different perspectives they all see about how I shouldn’t be screwing up so much. All that unnecessary noise! That noise, that chatter, that “monkey mind”, serves one purpose, to distract from what’s really happening. It enjoys the torture session. It’s trying to hold onto it’s own survival. It knows its time draws nigh. It’s stopping me from looking at my present moment! It’s stopping me from seeing what all I have come through to be at the present moment! It’s also teaching me indirectly, to get a grip on becoming patient! So I am again, going to develop a practice.
I’ve been intrigued by the “letting go and surrender” methods. This has been a path I’ve not consciously chosen before. Maybe I’ve been unaware and instinctively used it, and I’ve got wonderful friends who remind me of that, and I am grateful! I feel this is a path, a practice I can get behind. It seems to flow with me. I am in the beginning, and it’s already difficult, for I’m giving up on old beliefs that no longer serve me, and some I had forgotten about that just automatically run in the background. I’m trying to stop constantly asking the “why” for everything. That’s really tough; I’ve long been a questioner, a seeker for truth. Can I really change that aspect of myself?
Can I learn to be that person who allows a little more faith of some sort into my life? Guess only time, with much patience… MUCH PATIENCE, will tell.Remind yourselves of the gift of self-patience.Remind me too, as often as it is needed!
– Jozzy Allman, Columnist ‘Jozmos’