Regrowing Inner Strength


I have mulled the word strength over in my mind for almost two months.   I have come up with a book of stories on how I have been a strong woman, my whole life. But, I haven’t been able to think of a single instance where I might be contributing something new and meaningful.  But as I sit here in my frustration, it happened.  It is so painful. I don’t know if I can write this without balling my eyes out.

I’m sick of being strong.  I’m tired!  I want someone to be the strength for me.  It is over two years since my husband transitioned.  Being a widow sucks for someone like me, who thought a man was the way to my happiness.

I am gently reminded, by a voice in my head, “I am your daddy, who loves you.  I am your strength.  I am there for you always.  Just ask!”  Yes, God HAS been and always will be my source of STRENGTH!

“I really need you now, God!  I just want to die and be with you in peace.”   It is all getting to be too much for me.  Sometimes, I do it to myself.  Overcommit, over spend or just plain make a bad decision.  The hardest thing for me now is having the strength to go on.  To navigate the waters of being a senior citizen, and have a joyful and meaningful life.  I’m SCARED too.  I don’t want to leave this world like my grandmother did.  She was a 93 year old lump of flesh in a wheel chair.  No thank you!    But to end my own life and take away God’s plan for me, I just can’t do it.  I believe I will keep coming back till I get all my lessons learned.  And like I said, I’m sick and tired!  No sense in coming back again for more learning, when I am ready for peace.  So, here I sit, writing this story and silently praying for God to fill me up with his strength because I have none left of my own.

About now, you are probably wondering how the pet and garden writer got so off track.  So to be true to my classification, here goes.  Strength in the garden is mandatory.  Between lifting heavy bags of mulch to having the emotional strength to only grow what I can take care of.  As for my animals, it took every ounce of emotional strength I had, not to ring the little necks of my two cats.  You should have seen the Christmas tree this morning.  They must have had a blast last night!

– Peggy Havlik Posch

Posch

A retired caterer and florist Peggy has lived in Chicago, Northwestern Indiana and Florida. Passionate about gardening Peggy now calls Killen, AL her home.  Gardening has given her the  ability to be patient. Peggy also loves animals and has raised birds, cats and dogs. Animals make my spirit hum. She is learning to be friends with snakes. She feels like Dr. Doolittle and is at her happiest when she is in her garden, playing with and observing her pets.


 

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