So, I was recently asked or it was suggested that I try “Kilt Yoga”. That is doing Yoga postures (asana) while wearing a kilt..yeah, that skirt that Scottish men are portrayed wearing, often times with no underwear. While you probably won’t find me parading around and showing off my asana skills in a kilt or with my man parts exposed…. this did remind me of some fascinating and insightful conversation with fellow yoga teacher Peter Cohen and later, some insightful nutritional information with Anne Harrison. So let’s get to it.
First and foremost, the remainder of the article I will refer to Peter and Anne as “Peterji” and “Anneji”. Because you know that is the utmost respect you can give a yoga teacher by adding “ji” to the end of their name. Especially if a white person does it and has no concept of the “ji” and the reference it implies. Bonus points, if said white person does it for another white yoga teacher. When speaking with a white person, any signs of white fragility must be smashed from the get-go if enlightenment is to be obtained.
So back to Yoga. There is this new transcended form of naming Yoga styles and types that has directly manifested itself into my psyche exclusively from the Yoga Gods themselves. I have high authority to bestow this knowledge that has been gifted to me unto the masses. If not for this divine authority and privilege, we all know these liberating conversations would have not been able to manifest themselves within the vibrational connection created between Peterji and Anneji and myselfji.
So, first off we have this new style of Yoga “Zenyasa” playing off of Zen Buddhism and Vinyasa from Yoga language (multiple meanings pending where you look). Peterji was inquiring with his usual “Wtf is this s_ _ _?” And myselfji’s first thought was “is that the sauce that Zaxbys puts on its Zensational salad?” No it wasn’t. But this enlightened version of a name to call yoga inspired some new types of Yoga. I mean since everyone else is just taking portions or and syllables of Sanskrit Yoga’y words then why can’t we? I mean why not? Capitalism and Consumerism eh? #Merica Roll Tide yall
So here is sneak peak at the upcoming slate of Yoga styles offered at the new and exclusively revealed here and NOW…..
JL Yoga BADDASSERY FIGJAM 200HR Yoga Teacher Training.
I’ve got a new yoga synthesis of breathing and eating. I called it Pranayummy.
I’ve got a new system of meditation that’s done on a soft mattress before sleeping. I call it Beditation.
Then there’s focusing the mind… only when the sun is shining in the warmer months. I call it Summeryama. It leads to Summermadhi.
I like to do marijuanasana, so I can mediganga on my buzzhadhi.
Sometimes I use Reikanga to send distance THCmahdhi to social media disciples to enhance their personal marijuadhana.
Then Peterji and myselfji decided to discuss Patanjali and the lore behind the famous Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. This is what divine guidance connected us to on the superhighway of pristine universal knowledge of truth.
You know some scholars say there was possibly more than one Patanjali responsible for the yoga sutras? I’ve got it worked out. It was two guys. Pat (an aussie bloke who traveled to india by raft) and Jali (an indian mystic). Originally they wrote “by Pat and Jali” on the yoga sutras but it got misconstrued during copying.
Jali wrote the first two chapters containing logical, simple and constructive advice. Then Pat wrote the rest of it, filling it with all the most batshit crazy stuff he could think of (astral projection, superpowers, psychokinesis, possession, etc ) They had the biggest laugh about it and got thoroughly high on soma. How were they to know their lark would be taken so seriously? Anyway, now they’re just known as Patanjali.
Now if you’re still reading along absorbing this profound, never before learned, superior transcendental knowledge. Allow me to gift some super food and healing secrets I was able to manifest with inquiry from Anneji.
I had a moment. I discovered if you drink a RAW Meal Cocoa flavored meal replacement drink for breakfast and chase it with a Mellow Yellow. You will burp the flavor of the super food Fruity Pebbles. So naturally I shared it with my followers. And this immaculate manifestation of knowledge gifted us.
Anneji- JLji if you have a good recipe for adding that to some kale and cayenne for a natural Yogi such as myself, please do share, so when I hold my students in dolphin plank for five minutes I can give them something else to think about
JLji- Fruity Pebbles is good for or with anything!!
Anneji- I know it will help them with their mula bandha so they can jump straight back to Chaturanga
JLji- And will cure all knee and shoulder issues.
It also heals cavities.
They are the colors of the chakras so the vibrational frequency of the nourishment can heal you on energetic levels as well.
Samskaras run away and leave your karma by just the thought of fruity pebbles once your subtle and energetic body has been exposed to the vibrational healing frequencies found within this magical super food.
Just tell your students that while they are in dolphin plank and the confusion about it will keep them distracted for at least 5 to 10 more seconds. Then if they have had fruity pebbles before that thought alone, it will give them the energy for another 5 seconds to 2 hours pending on the joy that such a powerful snack has brought them in the past.
All this and infinitely so much more can learned at the all new and improved JL YOGA BADDASSERY FIGJAM 200hr Yoga Teacher Training.
***BADDASSERY FIGJAM is a registered trademark meaning…
F_ _ _
Justin is a self-employed all around average good guy. (The good part is up for debate) He enjoys spending his time truth seeking, being a skeptic, and finding the humor in the aspects of yogaland that are in need of change. Sometimes accused of being a Social Justice Warrior other times just an a**hole. Could claim to be a yoga teacher but isn’t actively teaching because truth seeking and being a skeptic is more fun. Probably a court jester in a past life. Will never be accused of not sayin’ something. May the force be with you. Winter is coming.